February 09, 2010
 
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| 'Good Enough' Mom |
| by Danielle Bean |
| 3/07/08 |
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I pause in the supermarket aisle with an oversized cardboard box in my hand. I want to buy it -- and yet something inside me recoils at the thought of placing this particular item in my shopping cart.
My fingers clutch the cardboard as I study the label: 100% Real Potatoes. Mashed potatoes in minutes. To a woman standing in the aisle of the grocery store at 4:30 p.m. with no real plan for dinner and an 18-month-old Houdini who is escaping the shopping cart harness, the idea is downright delicious.
And yet I hesitate, because I used to be a cooking snob. And some small part of me still wants to claim that title. Once upon a time, everything from my kitchen was absolutely, positively made from scratch. Frozen waffles? Inferior! Bread from the store? Puh-leeze! Potatoes from a box? Unthinkable!
But I had only a few very small children back then. Since that time, God has blessed me with more babies. He gave me pregnancies where I wound up useless on the couch or kneeling in front of a toilet bowl for weeks on end. He gave me more bodies to feed, more clothing to launder, and more dishes to wash. Those first babies grew older, and we began homeschooling. I never ran out of love, but some days I surely did run out of time and energy.
Somewhere along the way, out of sheer necessity, I made some cooking concessions. With a family that could eat its way through a loaf of bread in a single lunchtime, I gave in to the convenience of the store-bought stuff. Homemade bread-baking became a once in a while treat, made only with the help of my trusty Kitchen Aid mixer. And ultimately, even a snob like me had to admit that brownies from a mix tasted lots better than the homemade ones I never baked anymore.
I made these concessions, but not without some measure of guilt. Preparing exclusively homemade food for my family had been a point of pride for me. It had been a tangible way for me to assure myself I was being a "good mom." I was fooling myself, but it was a comfortable con.
I have a friend who likes to tell her husband in the morning before he leaves for work: "I can do two out of these three things today: homeschool, keep the house clean, or make a good dinner. Which two would you like?"
I love this approach because I find it a helpful reminder that, no matter what Cosmopolitan magazine might try to sell you, none of us can "do it all." Besides, as every mother knows, even if we did find a way to do it all, it surely wouldn't stay done. We must pick and choose the good things we will do. It's a continual balance. Today, for example, I am choosing: I will serve lunch on paper plates, but read Curious George Gets a Medal. I will catch up on the laundry, but let that sticky spot on the kitchen tiles sit for just one more day. I will make muffins for an afternoon snack, but won't answer emails. I will chat on the phone with a friend for 30 minutes, but forget to make my kids' dental appointments.
And I will buy the boxed potatoes. One-hundred percent real potatoes for my 100 percent real life.
I will stand at the stove with a toddler on my hip and stir instant potatoes with one hand while a whirlwind of family life encircles me. I will spell "immortal" for the 9-year-old who asks me. I will interrupt one grinning child's rendition of the "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" song with his brother's name in it before the affronted party resorts to death blows. And when my garrulous four-year-old asks, "Would you like to hear a story?" I will refrain from sighing and rolling my eyes. I will smile weakly and say, "Yes, sweetie. Talk to mama while I make dinner."
Today I will focus on things I do right instead of the things I do wrong or that remain undone. I will find security and satisfaction in knowing that none of us can do it all, but that I am doing enough. None of us can have it all, but I have what really matters.
I am not a perfect mom, but with God's grace I can be a good one. I can give this family, right here, right now, the very best I have. One-hundred percent.
Danielle Bean, a mother of eight, is senior editor of Faith & Family magazine and author of My Cup of Tea: Musings of a Catholic Mom (Pauline 2005) and Mom to Mom, Day to Day: Advice and Support for Catholic Living (Pauline 2007).Visit her blog at www.daniellebean.com. Readers have left 10 comments. Oh dear! I only have two (and one on the way) and have already given up on home-made bread most weeks (and mine is made in the bread machine). What will it be like in a few years with three (or four) and home schooling? Thank you for the reminder that we have to focus on what we can do and who we can be right here and right now. I have to remind myself of that when my husband is working evenings and I leave the kitchen in post-dinner disaster while I give baths, hugs, snuggles and stories before bed. I can do the dishes after they're asleep...or in the morning...or after lunch the next day...  Written by Kansas Mom Being a teacher is a full-time job. Being a mom is a full-time job. Concessions have to be made. It's why I really believe that while homeschooling is necessary for most of us, it's really not the ideal solution. Written by Steve Skojec If it makes you feel any better, Danielle, someone actually won a challenge on the show Top Chef 3 with a recipe that used instant mashed potatoes. He did it for the same reason you did: time. Written by Joe Marier After a day when I have been at minus 100% (or so it has felt!) your article brought so much comfort!! I, and many moms I know, especially the home schooling ones, feel like we are never "catching up" or "finishing anything" or doing anything at 100% perfection. I had to chuckle (and cry) when reading your article, as I remember those soft cloth diapers I used for my first little one, and then, 4 boys later, I am using disposable diapers and still feeling a twinge of guilt. Well, actually, I think the twinge of guilt started to fade with #5. I'm off to cook dinner... and I think I'm going to cook 100% Kraft Mac n' Cheese! Thank you for your excellent writing! Written by Shalimar Masters Of all the wonderful memories of my Mom, not one has to do with perfection in housekeeping or whether or not she cooked from scratch. Mom was always there. We were always loved. She taught us the important things in life. Mom had a lot to do with who I am today, but it all had to do with her presence. It sounds like you're doing the same. Thanks for reminding moms everywhere about what's important. Written by Janet Beautiful article. Thank you so much for reminding me it's okay not to get everything done every single day! Written by Christine Thank you, again. You never cease to encompass what it means to be a good mom. I love boxed potatoes and store-bought bread. Leaves more time for the really important stuff like reading Curious George :) Written by Kimberly I always leave the sticky spot on the kitchen floor, because someone will soon spill their drink and take care of it for me! It's hard giving up what WE think we should do. Whenever the burden is heavy I re-evaluate what I am doing and cut out the "shoulds" and do just what God is asking of me in my vocation of wife, mother of six and homeschooling. Written by Leanne Indeed you are a breath of fresh air for those of us, which includes all of us, who are incapable of being 100% at most things, let alone all things. You did leave me wondering how your family received the 100% potatoes. I'm betting they barely noticed, especially if you served them with 100% gravy (from an envelope even). For the sticky spots, put some warm wet socks on a few kiddos and let them "skate" in the kitchen. Call it exercise, if you wish. Don't worry, they tire of it before long, but it is still amazing how that handles some of the sticky spots in life. Peace be with you! Written by Annamaria I have to respectfully disagree with Steve and whole heartedly agree with Janet. Home schooling is absolutely ideal for some of us families. That doesn't mean that our homes are immaculate, our meals perfectly balanced and gourmet, or that things are always orderly. But it does mean that we moms are home with our kids, passing on the love, values, and character formation that we want to imbue in our children. I find my role as both mom and teacher overlap with each other so much anyway; it's not hard to fit the academics in with that. Sure, it's difficult to keep up on the domestic chores, but with a bit of organization and kids growing older to help, it gets done "well enough" as Danielle's point was. Even if it means boxed mac and cheese or boxed mashed potatoes. Even my contemporaries who send their kids to school resort to those conveniences. I would rather have "a lot to do with" who my kids are in the future by being home with them, as Janet said, than have all of our meals still made from scratch. Home schooling has been ideal for my family of nine kids for the last 15 years.....not just a flash in the pan. Written by Teresa G |
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