Two weeks ago, I promised to lay out for you, one week at a time, the "seven key areas of life where Jesus ruins our fun." By this I mean the categories of normal human experience that make up the bulk of our lives -- where our instincts, habits, and egos have patched together perfectly serviceable habits of schlepping through, day to day. We'd just as soon our coping strategies weren't disrupted by some fish-multiplying wonder-working God-Man who speaks in riddles. But hey, thanks for thinking of us . . .

• to brown that sandwich in a skillet? The microwave would get it nice, hot, and spongy in under a minute -- with nothing left over to scrub.

• to train the church choir to sing something difficult, something written before 1970? And those old songs are all so heavy.

• to put on a tie for Mass? What is this, a funeral or something?

• to iron out the last few details in that assignment they gave you at the last minute, as usual? What do people expect from you, perfection? Then they should be paying you more.

• to repeat all those mind-numbing prayers? Once you've hailed Mary once, do you really have to keep on pestering? Doesn't that cross the line into stalking?

• to go to Mass, fast, or pray a single time more than the absolute requirements you read about, 20 years ago, in that . . . Catholic book you had to read? As Jennifer Aniston said in your favorite movie, Office Space: "You want me to wear 37 pieces of Flair? Then why don't you say so?"

• to get all enthused about the godforsaken sporting event/dance recital/drug intervention your wife insisted you attend? Your parents never went to your games. You had to go cold turkey from nasal spray all by yourself. Won't coddling your kids like this make them turn out soft?

Readers have left 11 comments.

   Quote(1) Yay Office Space!
October 08th, 2008 | 12:50am

"You know what I'd do if I had a million dollars? Absolutely nothing."

A-men.

I once interviewed some Jehovah's Witnesses about their notion of heaven. They started talking about having your own plot of land to farm. "Doesn't that sound nice?" they asked. Hell, no. There's a reason they say "Rest in peace." If I make it to paradise, I'm done working.

 Written by Lickona

   Quote(2) Sympathy for the Bedeviled
October 08th, 2008 | 2:59pm

I don't get why, if you retain your free will in heaven -- as you must, if your love for God is to be true and not coerced -- you cannot fall from the Happy Place once you make it there. Or why souls eternally baking in the Big Oven cannot repent and ascend accordingly.

I mean, why are there not side-by-side Up & Down escalators transporting souls between the two realms of the afterlife?

To this some would say, "The Church has a satisfying answer to this silly question. Why don't you look it up? You must be an inertful slug."

To them I say: "Not my fault. God made me this way."

 Written by Zaccheus Treed

   Quote(3) Oy.
October 08th, 2008 | 3:33pm

I have a feeling my experience of reading this (great) series will run something like this:

"Okay, that's it. That's my main sin. ...no, no-- okay, THAT one. For real this time. ...oh,wait--"

A good examination of conscience, coming right up!

 Written by Jen

   Quote(4) Re: Sympathy
October 08th, 2008 | 8:45pm

Sympathy for the Bedeviled:

In heaven and hell, our free wills have been fixed in our final choice. We have all our lives to choose good or evil, and whichever one we were following at the moment of death is the one we're frozen in for all eternity. That last choice *in this life* is definitive for the rest of eternity. So our presence in heaven or hell will be a function of our free will, a continuation of our fundamental choice of good or evil, but we will not be capable of any further free choices not already entailed in the last one we made when we were alive. You're stuck for all eternity. No more choices. Free will will have served its function, or not, and no do-overs.

 Written by Tinfoil hat

   Quote(5) Why there is no interchange between heaven and hell
October 08th, 2008 | 11:18pm

The redeemed in heaven cannot falter because of the purgation of temporal sin that either occurs for a few in this life and for most in Purgatory. A rational soul purged of all things that would hinder its capacity will never choose other than the highest good, and therefore will never will against the beatific vision once it is obtained. The damned in hell are unable to repent because they gave their rational soul away to concupiscence even in this life, and in hell, where they are deprived even of the vestigal beauty of the created order, there is nothing to turn the unrepentant souls. Even if we take "the rich man" in the parable Jesus tells, he does not ask Lazaraus for redemption, but merely a drink of water...his soul eternally damned, he asks for a small bodily indulgence.

Therefore, characterizing this as a "final choice" obscures the answer a bit, because it can be misconstrued as saying everything is a "practice run" up until the final choice, where in reality, the inability to "turn" from Heaven or Hell has more to do with whether we have given our souls as slaves to sin or slaves to God, the former being unable to be redeemed because they could not recognize their self-destruction in this life, the later eternally changed by the burning fire of God's purgative love.

 Written by Bo

   Quote(6) The Seven Deadly Nags?
October 09th, 2008 | 1:52am

Mr. Zmirak:
I appreciate the irony in your article. I don't know why you chose to slander the faithful snail- one of God's creatures, after all- by using its picture. The noble snail moves steadily on its appointed rounds, slowly because it was made that way, but certainly not slothfully.
At any rate, your Bible has an "out" from at least one of the problems you mentioned, Mary-hailing:
And when you are praying, speak not much, as the heathens. For they think that in their much speaking they may be heard. I'm working at this moment in a campus security office; today someone turned in a Rosary necklace (?). It's quite nice, as jewelry; I hope the owner comes for it. But- my word!- what a lot of prayers is represented there! With the instructions of our Lord Jesus, I don't need any counting device.

 Written by Doug Pruner

   Quote(7) Hell, no, I won't go- to Paradise.
October 09th, 2008 | 2:03am

Lickona:

I once interviewed some Jehovah's Witnesses about their notion of heaven. They started talking about having your own plot of land to farm. "Doesn't that sound nice?" they asked. Hell, no.

— Lickona

Too bad. Bible writers and secularists alike have noted that man has an innate desire for useful work, one that has homely rewards as its object: A home, a healthy family, and so on. Notice what wise Solomon said:
And I have known that there was no better thing than to rejoice, and to do well in this life. For every man that eateth and drinketh, and seeth good of his labour, this is the gift of God. Ec 3:12,13
At that, he was just repeating what Jehovah said in first blessing mankind:
God blessed them, saying: Increase and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it, and rule over the fishes of the sea, and the fowls of the air, and all living creatures that move upon the earth.
No mention of Heaven; no mention of death if they obeyed. (Gen 2:17)

Solomon, in his later years, went far in his pursuit of happiness:
I made me great works, I built me houses, and planted vineyards, ... I got me menservants, and maidservants, and had a great family:... I heaped together for myself silver and gold, and the wealth of kings, and provinces: ... And I surpassed in riches all that were before me in Jerusalem: my wisdom also remained with me ... And whatsoever my eyes desired, I refused them not: and I withheld not my heart from enjoying every pleasure, and delighting itself in the things which I had prepared: and esteemed this my portion, to make use of my own labour.
But it didn't turn out well:
And when I turned myself to all the works which my hands had wrought, and to the labours wherein I had laboured in vain, I saw in all things vanity, and vexation of mind, and that nothing was lasting under the sun.
(Ec 2:4-11)

Then, in the very next chapter, he says:
I have learned that all the works which God hath made, continue for ever: we cannot add any thing, nor take away from those things which God hath made that he may be feared.
Was he confused? Contradictory? No, his own, man-madeworks failed to satisfy, and would pass away in the course of time. God's works are different, and have a promise behind them:
That which hath been made [by God], the same continueth: the things that shall be, have already been: and God restoreth that which is past. (Ec 3:12-15)
So the prophecy of Micah remains true, and will be fulfilled:
And every man shall sit under his vine, and under his fig tree, and there shall be none to make them afraid, for the mouth of the Lord of hosts hath spoken. (Mic 4:5)
As David put it:
But the just shall inherit the land, and shall dwell therein for evermore. (Ps 36[37]:29)

Many decide to reject our message because of the messenger, so perhaps you'll listen to our leader, Jesus, who borrowed one of his best-known teachings from the same Psalm:
"But the meek shall inherit the land, and shall delight in abundance of peace"; Cf. Mt 5:5.

There's a reason they say "Rest in peace." If I make it to paradise, I'm done working

— Lickona

Actually, Solomon said your work will end sooner than that:
For the living know that they shall die, but the dead know nothing more, neither have they a reward any more: for the memory of them is forgotten. ... Whatsoever thy hand is able to do, do it earnestly: for neither work, nor reason, nor wisdom, nor knowledge shall be in hell, whither thou art hastening. (Ec 9:5,10)
Or, as the running head at newadvent.com has it, "After death no more work or merit."
And, if you do get to heaven ... well, I have bad news for you about two of those you will meet:
But Jesus answered them: My Father worketh until now; and I work. (John 5:17) Sorry.
All quotations from the Douay at newadvent.com.
There is a Heaven; we believe in it; it has a purpose, tied directly to the Pater Noster. I hope next time we call you'll take advantage of the chance to look into your own Bible on your own doorstep- if not under your own fig tree.

 Written by Doug Pruner

   Quote(8) The snail
October 09th, 2008 | 8:46am

I have to defend Mr. Zmirak on the charge against the artwork; that was this editor's choice, and he had no say in it. I've heard from others, too, who thought the poor snail was unfairly maligned as slothful; next time I'll be sure to use that more common species, the Couch Potato.

 Written by Margaret Cabaniss

   Quote(9) Consolations in Heaven
October 09th, 2008 | 9:34pm

Here's an often overlooked feature of heaven, which has been ascribed to St. Thomas Aquinas in Summa Theologica:

"That the saints may enjoy their beatitude and the grace of God more abundantly, they are permitted to see the punishment of the damned in Hell.

— Thomas Aquinas

 Written by Rouxfus

   Quote(10) High-Fiving in Hell
October 10th, 2008 | 10:37am

Rouxfus--

Here's the thing that boggles me. Every knee will bend (a fave saying for us'n's with Rheumatoid Arthritis) and every tongue proclaim --- yes this includes those in the heavens, on earth, and under the earth. Everybody bending and proclaiming, no matter where they are.

For some reason, my fusty old mind links that with this: the Last will be First, and the First Last. Quick now, everybody switch: and you guys in the middle, Do-Si-Do.

Whatever's going to happen, it's going to be a Big Surprise. Reading Matthew 25, you'll notice EVERYBODY is surprised, the good 'uns as well as the no-good 'uns.

So I personally think that when God judges us, every person --- whatever the judgment --- will slap their foreheads, throw a fusillade of air-punches, and say, "His Judgment Is Exactly Right! Exactly! And Brilliant! Not what I expected, but Brilliant!"

Just wait. You'll see.

 Written by Grandma Hat

   Quote(11) Cuddly Sloths
April 02nd, 2009 | 1:34pm

To know a sloth is to love it: just Google "Sloth Rescue" and see pictures from the Costa rican Rescue center for these gentle, smiling arborial creatures.

Then search U-Tube for "baby sloth in a box" for serious, industrial-strength CUTE. It's like terminal "Awwww. . . . " Baby sloths, adult sloths ROCK--(slowly). The average reaction is, "I wanna pet sloth ! now ! (leading to Envy?)

There are other on-line videos of sloths (sloth porn?) filmed crossing roads (with kindly tourist escorts) swimming gracefully, mother-and-baby sloths, and generally just hanging around smiling at the world.

Adore the God who created sloths ! in the contemplative tradition, I think some Desert Fathers spoke of "Holy Sloth" which is resting in silent adoration. . . . You need to hold a new "name the sin Contest" to rebrand the moral failing, distinguishing it from a charming mammal from uncreative inertia.

 Written by Aunt Raven

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