Ms. Bean:

I wanted to express appreciation for your writing. Yours is not a viewpoint we see much in the press or culture these days. It is, however, very important to me. The joys of family are not much discussed, but they are very real. Your article might seem odd to some, but I know that parents really are in love with their children, in a way that I, personally, never expected.

I also wanted to add a thought, at a tangent to what you say. We hear so much from the dominant culture about how women ought to be like men, and how working and having a career is the only worthwhile thing to do with your life.

I am a man. I have worked for over twenty years as a lawyer. I have had my share of success, and I would like to think that I have helped my clients. I have to say, however, that everything I do at work always seems compromised to me by the inevitable pressures and little give-ins of the bustle and tustle of the marketplace. There is only one thing that I have achieved in my life that I feel absolutely good and pure about. That one thing is that my work has made it possible for my wife to stay home and to be a 100% totally devoted mother to our three children. THAT I feel absolutely good about.

How this post tugs at my heart. I wish I could meet you for a cup of coffee, Danielle, and just give you a big hug.

As a mother of 3 children under 4 who does still lie awake at night counting the possible fertile years left, I thank you for putting thingss in perspective. I am going to be grateful for my blessings and not dread the future or wish to speed it up to get through these overwhelming toddler years. I choose to live in the moment too!

Since birth I have told my sons that "No woman will ever love you as much as your mother." I've been saying it for 15 years now and I think they are beginning to doubt me!

There are many women who marry late and/or experience infertility and when they hear women of multiple children talk about feeling angry or anxious about not having more, they are about ready to kill.

But you hit on something really important and you said it well:



This is, I think, the crux of it... That no matter what, it's a lack of submission to God's will and striving to "practice the present moment" that we all have to contend with.

Thank you for this article. I am right there with you and have felt completely alone in this struggle. Today I know that I am not alone and I have a better insight into my struggle. Much to pray about and meditate on. Thank you.

This could not have come at a better time for myriad reasons. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your refreshing perspective. Thank you for reminding me that I only have "now" to concern myself over and that: "God never asks us to say anything more than yes to right now."

Blessings to you and your beautiful family.

I wanted to thank you.
Only last night my wife and I found that we are expecting our second child. Our first is 18 months and we are struggeling. With the possability of lay offs hanging over us both and a family with mixxed feelings, and watered down enthusiasm about our expected bliss, it was a rough day. It's a shame and I'm sorry that I let others, and economics cloud our day. Thank you for the reminder. God Bless.

Thanks Daniel, so wonderful to hear someone write the very thoughts in my head, and it is a comfort to know you aren't alone in your thinking. Thanks for being open and sharing.

Danielle,

Your story affirms that most are missing the fact that children are indeed a gift. In a culture that doesn't appreciate children and family, I am encouraged to hear that family is good.

And children are, indeed, a rich, rich blessing from God.

Glory!

"God never asks us to say anything more than yes to right now."

Kate W, I agree! and the game changes so much as your children grow older--the older teen years come and, by GOd's grace, you see the beginnings of the fruition of your labors-- in some cases, the joy they have when they find out they are having a new baby brother or sister! And often the family members and others who are derisively commenting on fecundity are expressing admiration 15 years later--and, with God's grace, that can be a welcome opportunity for humility and charity on all sides.

Thanks, Danielle, for a great column--boyfriend! THat was awesome!

It's gets easier, doesn't it? I remember thinking, "I can't do this anymore" when I had just two very young little fellas...

...and I once thought, "I hate my job."

That was a really bad day.

Still, we open our arms wide to God's gifts and graces, and He is MORE than willing to provide them.

[Be warned, however: these gifts come in every sort of shape and size, and they're not always labeled "gift".]

Beautiful column, Danielle. As always.

I am at the calculating how many more blessings stage and I thank you so much for this reminder that the day will come where I have nothing left to calculate.

((hugs)) for your silent crosses and thank you for what you have shared here.

You wrote exactly, and I mean exactly, my thoughts and feelings of late. For many years being overwhelmed with babies, enjoying the breather (between 5yo and 1 1/2 yo), and now wanting so desperately and it is not happening. Thank you for writing this and your incredible honesty.

I wrote something very similar to this just last year, as my youngest of seven turned four years old.

Ironically enough, I now have a 3 month old ! You just never know what is around the bend. All you can do, as Danielle said, is live fully in the present moment.

"He will surely not be pleased if I reserve some part of my heart for a future phantom child that might live in my daydreams, but does not yet exist."

As someone who has struggled with below-normal fertility since the beginning of our marriage, I have spent too much time in this frame of mind. Thank you so much for describing it so perfectly, and for reminding all of us to live in the present moment. If we don't, we miss many good things God has for us.

God bless you, Danielle.

<i>"No woman will ever love you as much as your mother."

"Oh come on!" I pestered him, "Aren't you my boyfriend?"</i>

These are absolutely dreadful things to say to your sons. They are never going to have stable, adult relationships with women if they think marriage is in any way similar to the relationship between a mother and her sons, which in the early years requires the adult to attend to all the child's needs and as many wants as possible. I sincerely hope all of your boys become cloistered monks because you've clearly made them unfit for marriage and no one with this background should be allowed within 60 miles of any engaged or married couple.

Um WOW Karen. Get a grip. And a clue.

How did Karen's bitter comment get past the moderator? Maybe there's a joke in there somewhere that I missed. I hope so.

I guess I must have failed my middle son in some way because when he was two or so he asked me why I married my husband. I thought it was my moment to explain marriage to him so I told him how we fell in love, wanted to start a family etc etc. He just looked at me until I was finished and then exclaimed, "But I was gonna marry you!!"

It was a close one.

A reminder to everyone: Feel free to disagree, but do so without taking personal shots at one another or our columnists. We can argue positions without sinking to that.

Remember rule #2 - assume the good will of the other person!

Dear Karen: My grandfather used to tell me that he'd be my boyfriend. In today's concerned-world, these words might sound odd, but he meant nothing by it other, I suppose, than affirmation that I'd always be loved. My children - and even my nephew! - have asked if they can marry me and as one commenter noted, this is a normal expression of child-like love, uninformed and unsullied by adult understandings of incest, sexuality, etc. An individual family's expressions of love may seem unusual to others, but are not indicators of future problems. I'm sure that your concern was well-intentioned, but I'm sure that you don't have to worry....

I like this article, especially this quote:

"He will surely not be pleased if I reserve some part of my heart for a future phantom child that might live in my daydreams, but does not yet exist."

How true. I am only have two children due to medical issues and I often pine for that third and fourth.... I hesitate to even say the word "only" because that is not what they are, they are anything but "only," but this is only a reflection of my deep desire for more. But a large family is not God's plan for me and He would not be pleased with my pining. Thank you for that succinct reminder. I must write that quote somewhere to remember it.

I would also love to see an article on here about couples who struggle with infertility. Infertility is a rough road, perhaps one of the roughest there is, especially for a faithful Catholic in an era of assisted reproductive technologies.

I said "no" to God 7 years ago and shortly thereafter regretted it. After pleading and praying those 7 years, we now have a miracle prince who is 2 months old. There were many days that I was so preoccupied with the life I wished for that I wasn't savoring the life I had. It was a very difficult, but very necessary learning experience for me. It was excruciating at times, yet I'm thankful for it. Never feel apologetic for your desire for more children. Your heart is beautiful.

Dear Ann,

As a thankful mom of 2 and one on the way, I just wanted to let you and your husband know about the ministry of Dr. Thomas Hilgers in Omaha, NE. His Pope Paul VI Institute has helped so, so many wonderful families from around the country trying to conceive, and he has pioneered methods, with great success rates, all completely in line with Church teachings.

My husband and I suffered with infertility for 4 and a half years and are so grateful to God for this doctor and his work.

God bless you,

Sarah in Ohio

This is so beautiful! Thank you....

In the past five years, I've been pregnant seven times. I have two beautiful daughters, but each loss is also painful and real. I feel that "sting" also and have felt guilty about it, knowing and really and truly appreciating how blessed I am to have my daughters. You articulate so well how we can feel the "sting" while appreciating our blessings, that the seemingly contradictory emotions can in fact exist simultaneously. Thank you for that affirmation!

I also found amazingly powerful the following sentences: "God never asks us to say anything more than yes to right now. Our future circumstances are always subject to change; we need not waste time or energy imagining them and struggling to accept them. We need only to accept what is -- right here, right now." Ah! This applies so much needed wisdom to my life right now, where I am struggling with heavy financial stresses and trying to make decisions that reflect God's will (discerning financial viability or being with my kids, practical needs versus absolute passion.) A reminder that focusing on the right here, right now is what God wants for us is just the message I needed to hear - thank you, again!

This is precious. We just announced to family (and posted pictures on the blog) that we are expecting boy #4, baby #5. They have seemed to come more quickly lately, we are still in the beginning years of our marriage as you talked about at first. They are NOT happy and that has stung. But my husband and I rejoice in the knowledge that God is intimately involved in our lives, carrying us through and for reasons only known to him, blessing us once more. Thank you for your beautiful writing, and what a precious moment between you and your son.

thanks for upholding a belief that God gives us our little blessings, not ourselves. We have 5 'children' (now ages 31, 27, 25, 21 & 13) and 4 grandchildren. We decided when we got married to have a family right away, and were never sorry for it, even though some of our family members were ;). When we came to visit, sometimes they'd say things like 'did ALL of you come!" Yikes! So, when another 'big' family with 6 children came to see us, it was so nice to be comfortable and not worry about something getting knocked over or broken, our house, like theirs was kid-proof. We just enjoyed each other. Now we have 3 foster children and are (almost) 50 yrs. old. The time lapse has taught us priorities different from when we were young, so adjustment is needed. They are, however, still 'our' children, blessings from above at this time in our lives, for His timing.

Glad that you have a venue to share your feelings that are well thought out and well written. I believe it's therapeutic to get it all out there.

I am not sure how I found this page, I believe I clicked on something thru my email.

Nevertheless, I feel compelled to share something that my saint of a grandfather used to say: "you never miss the children that you don't have" and that's an old Irish reminder to be grateful for the children you do have and stop lamenting.

There are millions of people praying and hoping for just one baby!

Perspective is a good thing.

Sean McA;


Same situation with us 20 years ago. Especially when we knew we were going to have a third (who has handicaps). But it's been one wonderful, (difficult and stressful financially at times) but we wouldn't change a thing. Except maybe, if it weren't so IRRESPONSIBLE, we would have had more.

You know, if I was working at Seaworld back then, with all the benefits, though modest income; I bet my wife would have been good with having more.