November 20, 2009
 
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| Riding the Waves |
| by Danielle Bean |
| 9/11/09 |
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The first pregnancy test I ever took was three weeks after my wedding day. It was positive. I started vomiting pretty much right then and there.
In the following weeks, as I struggled to adjust to my newly married state while waiting tables at a seafood restaurant and battling morning sickness, I lost some weight. My doctor assured me that first-trimester weight loss was not a threat to the baby's health, but my gaunt frame certainly succeeded in making me look young, miserable, and pathetic. Upon hearing the news of my pregnancy, one of my coworkers at the restaurant -- a young man who played in a band part time -- grew concerned. "Oh no," he whispered to me, "Do you have a . . . boyfriend . . . or anything?" Well yes, I have something rather like that, I told him. It's called a husband. Truth be told, though, that word "husband" still felt foreign in my mouth. I was 22 years old, but I look back at photos taken during those early years and see myself for the child I really was. I survived the vomitous first four months of that pregnancy by alternately ingesting and then, er, rejecting a delicately balanced diet of ginger ale, handfuls of almonds, frozen vanilla yogurt, and Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls. Then, right about the time I received a new job offer and was bidding farewell to the waitressing job with its nausea-inducing platters of shrimp scampi, my husband surprised me. With two tickets to Antigua. This trip would be our last hurrah, my earnest man explained -- maybe our last chance to get away together without a child in tow for many years to come. After my tumultuous introduction to marriage and family life, at the ripe old age of 22, I felt like the hurrahs were already over. I didn't think I could stomach much more. Literally.
But the trip was important to Dan, and he convinced me we should go. So we two kids -- and our gestating baby -- boarded a plane early one morning and landed in a tropical paradise. It was there, in the sun-drenched streets of Antigua, that I lost my gray pallor and came alive. We rented a jeep and cruised the island's back roads with youthful enthusiasm. We spent our days exploring gardens and sitting in the surf; we ate peanut butter sandwiches in our room and saved our pennies for one big splurge -- dinner at an expensive outdoor restaurant. It had tables on the beach, candlelight, live music, and dancing. I would wear my favorite sun dress. I suppose the dinner was lovely, though I don't remember much of it. What I do remember was that after we ate, we played in the water while the nearby music still lingered in our ears. I had never felt such a forceful tide before. Again and again, wild waves crashed the two of us laughingly onto the beach.
When we grew tired, we sat, soaked and panting, in the sand. The setting sun streaked the sky with orange, pink, and purple. I breathed the scent of salty water as the sound of music and the distant dancers filled my ears. I took it all in and then closed my eyes to affix it in my memory. It was as I sat there, with a nascent marriage and a fluttering baby growing inside, that I first felt the comforting strength and security of God's hand as it closed around us. God calls us to big things sometimes, I realized. Bigger than we would ever choose for ourselves. Again and again, He might allow us to be tossed about and thrown helplessly onto the shore. But our job is not to control the waves -- only to ride them. To trust. To let go. And to know that through it all, He holds us.
I think back to that girl on the beach and I want to tell her that she was glimpsing only a tiny bit of what waves could be like, but also only a shadow of God's mercy and grace.
But then, I know she will figure all of that out in good time. She's still figuring it out.
One recent sunshine-soaked afternoon, Dan and I packed our smallish motor boat with the eight life-jacketed bodies of our growing children.
When we were all settled, I looked to my husband at the wheel.
"Where to?" he asked.
"Anywhere's good," I answered. And I meant it.
Danielle Bean, a mother of eight, is senior editor of Faith & Family magazine and author of My Cup of Tea: Musings of a Catholic Mom (Pauline 2005) and Mom to Mom, Day to Day: Advice and Support for Catholic Living (Pauline 2007). Visit her blog at www.daniellebean.comor follow her on Twitter. Readers have left 15 comments. Danielle, this is my favorite of all the columns you've done for us... and I'm a fan, so that's saying something. Beautiful work.  Written by Brian Saint-Paul This was a much needed pick-me-up after a long day of going through the mundane duties of life and seeing that life has more to offer if we are open to the truth, beauty, and goodness in other people- especially those who we call children (spiritual or biological). Written by Michael Gavina Absolutely fantastic. Thanks for sharing, truly. Written by Rich My favorite part ... "God calls us to big things sometimes, I realized. Bigger than we would ever choose for ourselves. Again and again, He might allow us to be tossed about and thrown helplessly onto the shore. But our job is not to control the waves -- only to ride them. To trust. To let go. And to know that through it all, He holds us." Thanks for your lovely words. Written by Elaine Danielle, I love your writing and especially love this article. You have a real knack for capturing those stolen moments in time that we all wish we could go back and relive sometimes. Your writing definitely resonates with a lot of us dads too. I ordered both of your books for my wife's birthday and they should be getting delivered soon, hoping she's willing to share. Written by Tom F This was beautiful. I especially appreciate it as I am in the throes of morning sickness myself. ![[smiley=happy]](http://insidecatholic.com/Joomla/components/com_jreactions/custom/templates/blog/smileys/smiley_happy.gif) Written by mel You are a talented writer. Your story brought back memories of my first trip to the island of St. Martin with my new husband, that was twenty years ago. Written by Kathleen Thanks, Danielle! Beautiful. Let's hear it for hubbies who remind us not to appreciate God's gift of life and to enjoy what we can while we are here! I remember being a young, married 22 year old, pregnant and scared, too. We have ridden many waves since then. Thanks for the reminder of appreciating the "ride" and trusting God. Written by Mary This ranks my favorite of your articles, Mrs. Bean. I love your allusion to "that girl on the beach" because it embraces memory - that trick of nature that either binds us to the past or propels us into deeper, richer understanding of this complicated, confusing experience called life. God lays, in each life, hints and clues ... it's for us to follow, or not. The path to Truth to is so individual ... and, yet, so much alike. Thank you for sharing some steps along your way. Written by Marjorie Campbell Danielle, God has given me so much comfort and encouragement through this article. A few days ago in a moment of exhaustion I asked God WHY He had to give me twin boys (who are now 5, full of energy and have been driving me to distraction!). He has answered me through this column in the most loving, gentle and soothing way. Thankyou for sharing your memories, your talents and your faith with us. Your generous response to God and your family is so inspirational. Written by Michelle Donaldson Another beautiful, inspiring article, Danielle. How could you know how much we all needed to read that? Thank you. Written by Veronica That is so beautiful, Danielle. Thank you. In the Catholic Tradition, creation is sacramental, one of the ways through which God comes to us, reveals Himself to us. Your sensing His presence in the midst of the beauty of creation is exactly how many people have come to the point of conversion. This happened to a friend of mine a couple of years ago, up until then a life-long radical atheist. He went off on a solo backpacking trip, and while alone under the stars one night, away from the hustle and bustle of town, he felt a presence. A Presence. And he realized he was feeling the Presence of God. He was received into the Catholic Church one year later, at the Easter vigil of 2008, and today is a changed, and very devout, Catholic man. Written by aimee at historical christian I cannot tell you how much I enjoy your writing. You write with love. That is a rare gift. Thank you. Written by Pat I love your little slices of life. Thanks for letting us into your head. Written by Julia Sex is prayer. Prayer for the addition of a new life to the family. Sometimes the answer to that prayer is no. Using contraception in the prayer damages the prayer- for it goes against the intention of the prayer. When the answer to that prayer is yes- sex is just the beginning of a wonderful journey that will last as long as you are a parent. THAT should be at the center of all sex education in every Catholic high school in the nation. It should be a *required* lesson of every confirmation class. Only then will we begin to truly have a culture of life. Written by Ted Seeber |
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